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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27665296">Amity’s last diary entry</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingofQuills/pseuds/KingofQuills'>KingofQuills</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Owl House (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, CW: implied suicide/implied light child abuse/brief mention of slut-shaming, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Slut-Shaming, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Sad, vent - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:42:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>701</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27665296</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingofQuills/pseuds/KingofQuills</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>All she ever wanted was to be loved.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Amity’s last diary entry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is purely a vent.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dear Diary,</p><p> </p><p><br/>
I’m not sure I can take much more of this.</p><p> </p><p>I feel so <em>alone.</em></p><p> </p><p> I can’t keep it all inside anymore, and cry quietly in my room, in the middle of the night, when no one can here me. </p><p> </p><p>I’m tired of feeling so numb. I would give anything to feel truly happy again- hell, I’m not even sure what that feels like anymore- it’s been so long. At least when I was hurting I was feeling <em>something. <br/>
</em></p><p>Now, I rarely feel anything. It feels like I’m not even a person sometimes, like I’m some kind of creature. A disgusting creature that deserves nothing.</p><p> </p><p>Luz used to tell me all the time how great I was, and how people loved me, my parents loved me, my siblings loved me, <em>she </em>loved me.</p><p> </p><p>She didn’t know even half of it.</p><p> </p><p>I can’t remember the last time my parents told me they loved me, I’m pretty sure they don’t. They see me as a commodity, a tool to be used for status. I’m only there to keep the Blight family name squeaky clean. Mom didn’t even want kids, she just had them them to appease my grandparents, she told me all this when she was really drunk one night. I kind of always knew though.</p><p>As for my siblings. If they do love me, they sure as hell don’t show it. They always go out of their way to “prank” me, and by “prank’ I mean demean and humiliate me and then claim it was “just a joke” and I need to lighten up. I’ve tried to tell them that these aren’t just “pranks” to me, that they actually really hurt, and it makes me feel like they don’t love me. But they just say I’m being overdramatic. So I don’t think they actually care about if they hurt me or not, maybe they even <em>like </em>hurting me, it wouldn’t surprise me- they are my father’s children after all.</p><p><br/>
If anyone actually did love me, it was Luz. And she’s gone now, probably never coming back.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I’ve never asked for much, but if the Titan’s listening, there’s only one thing I’ve ever wanted, more than anything.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I want to be loved.</p><p> </p><p><br/>
I want someone to hold me while I cry, I want them to run their fingers through my hair and tell me everything’s alright.</p><p> </p><p>I want someone who I can tell anything to without them judging me.</p><p> </p><p>I want someone who won’t call me a dirty whore for wearing a short skirt.</p><p> </p><p>I want to be able to depend on someone.</p><p> </p><p>I want someone who’ll put me before their reputation.</p><p> </p><p>I want someone to care about my opinions.</p><p> </p><p>I want to be able to make mistakes.</p><p> </p><p>I want to call them mom and have it actually <em>mean </em>something.</p><p> </p><p>Before she passed away, my grandmother taught me that when we die, we don’t <em>really</em> die. Our deaths are actually just our bodies expiring, and our souls move on to the next life. She used to say she’d be a pink bird in her next life, when I asked her why, she said:</p><p>”Because pink’s your favorite color, isn’t it? I want you to be able to recognize me, so when I’m long gone and you see a pink bird, that’s me checking up on you.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s been two years since her death, and I have yet to see a pink bird.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>When I was little, I never knew what I wanted to come back as. Now I think I know.</p><p><br/>
I want to come back as some kind of human-world creature. Not a human, but a creature from their world. Like a cat.</p><p> </p><p>Luz used tell me she always wanted a cat. But her mom said she wasn’t responsible enough for one.</p><p> </p><p>I think when I die, I want to come back as a cat. That way, I can let Luz know I’m okay. Maybe if I’m lucky, her mom will decide she’s finally responsible enough for one, and Luz will keep me.</p><p><br/>
Then I could spend my whole life with her.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe, just maybe, if I pray to Titan, he’ll let me come back as a cat.</p><p> </p><p>I hope so.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So yeah, this is kind of a vent. I’m going through some things, and writing this really helped. Don’t worry about me though, I’m ok. Hopefully this isn’t too angsty and hopefully you enjoyed. As always, comments are appreciated. Take care!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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